Dear Victoria,

…I think my partner is having an affair.

We’ve been together for 4 years and we have a 3 year old son. She’s accused me of being too controlling in the past, but I’m suspicious because she’s behaving differently.She’s coming home later than usual and going out with her girlfriends more often at the weekends.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I checked her phone. There were messages from a man, which seemed too intimate. But I’m afraid of tackling her about this …what if she threatens to leave me?

I don’t want us to split up, we’re thinking about getting married next year. I still love her and I want our son to have a happy family.

But I don’t know if I can trust her anymore

I keep having horrible images of her in bed with someone else. What should I do?  (Gary)

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Dear Gary,

I hear that you have been thinking a lot about your relationship, and since the birth of your child your partner has been acting in a way that makes you feel fearful of losing her.

You indicated your shared dream is to get married, but I understand your concern about trusting her and seeing a future together.

There is something honourable Gary in admitting how you feel.  It would be useful to let your partner know and to hear her point of view.

Consider taking these steps…

  • Create a quiet time and a warm space to gently tell your partner how you feel.
  • The conversation may be uncomfortable (overwhelming at first). Let your good intention guide you in reaching out to her.
  • Set a time limit of say 5-10-minutes for the 1st discussion, and gradually increase the length of subsequent conversations.
  • Agree some ground rules. That is, how to talk, listen and feel safe in conversation e.g. no blaming, shouting, no over-talking, speaking in turn, no interrupting.
  • The hope is to jointly create an opportunity to be open and honest about your situation. The issues that make you both feel anxious, uncertain and vulnerable.  Share the things that have got in the way of having a trusting, intimate relationship.
  • Perhaps you could channel the emotional energy spent imagining her with someone else – into a creative past time? (its amazing what the mind can create). Remember your shared dreams, goals, beliefs and values.

Gary thank you for writing in and let me know what ideas worked for you.

( Victoria )

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Victoria Sharman  If you would like to find out more information about the way I work,  or would like to ask me any questions regarding how I can help you resolve and transform distressing relationships issues – please contact me